Fighting A "Losing" Battle

 

I was never a skinny kid, I was what my Grammy called "Big Boned". But everyone include me knew that was a polite way of saying I wasn't skinny. I grew up with the stress of taking care of my parents, who were divorced. My mother suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia and my father was legally blind and was diabetic.

After jr. high I enrolled in an all girls boarding high school (even though I was a day student). I used food as a crutch to manage the pressure my father put on me to fit in with my new surroundings and get involved in something I really didn't want to do.  Especially with all the responsibilities I had at both homes. I would have breakfast at home while watching my morning shows, then since my Grandfather would bring me to school early I would hang and socialize eat till my first class started. After two years of this behavior even my legally blind father noticed the extra pounds that were following me around. He would tell me I was fat and needed to lose weight (like he did with my mother). Finally it sunk in; food was bad. I topped out at 136lbs on the scale, when that number stared back at me I knew I had to cut things out. It started with skipping breakfast, then lunch and eventually led to a whole day without food. Whittled my way down to 93 lbs. In my mind I was beautiful, bones popping out everywhere fitting into a nonexistent size. I looked just like my bulimic mother.

After a few months of this I couldn't keep it up. I finally had to start eating again, but it was ok because I counted every single itty bitty calorie that went into my mouth, and what did go into my body I made sure I exercised it off.  I wouldn't go to family functions so I wouldn't have to eat the foods. I would workout for 2 hours a day and this disease even caused me to not spend time the last few months with my Grammy as she was passing away from cancer. I went up to 95lbs but stayed there till I met my hubby and he seemed to have turned me around. It took 6 years till I was comfortable to eat normal foods and to be healthy enough to get pregnant. Hubby held my hand constantly as the pregnancy weight came on and on until I leveled out at 133 lbs. Then the weight came off as fast as it came.

I still struggle in the mirror. Looking at the figure that will never be perfect but over the years have come to be ok with that. I still watch what I eat, but I splurge when the occasion calls for it. I am still a fitness freak, but to be healthy and because I am doing this to keep my body in shape not to lose weight. And I know that I will never do to my daughter what my father did to me. She is told constantly even at her early 6 months of age that she is beautiful just the way she is.

~Erin "Fitness Mama"